Extra! Extra!

Famous anti-India TV personality, Zion Hamid, was caught yesterday watching Shakuntali, a popular Indian TV soap opera. The discovery was made by one of his fans who Hamid thought was his milkman.

When Hamid opened his door, the fan heard and saw the TV in the background where episode No. 5, 904 of Shakuntali was running. Talking to this reporter, the fan said that he first thought it was a conspiracy, but after noticing the genuine red cap of Hamid, he was astonished.

Shaken, the fan, 23-year-old Abdul Karim, said: ‘I couldn't believe it! What would Muhammad Bin Qasim think when he gets to hear about this?'

When told by this reporter that Qasim died hundreds of years ago, the fan accused him and his newspaper for working for Blackwater.

‘What you think you fool Mossad, CIA, Raw agent Qasim alive in our minds, hearts and lungs so oh you shut up!' he added.

Talking to the media after the episode, Hamid accepted that he sometimes watches Indian soaps and that even though he is of the opinion that Hindus are paleed (dirty), there is no harm in watching them on TV because they can't touch you and can't cast their shadow over you.

He added that he also watches Indian soaps to decode the hidden plots of the Hindus to destroy Pakistan and Islam.

‘It was by decoding the dialogue of one such Indian TV soap that I was able to discover that the Mumbai attacks were actually planned and executed by Raw and Mossad,' he explained.

He also said that he predicted the 9/11 attacks as a Zionist conspiracy back in 1996 by watching Dil Walay Dullaniya Lay Jain Gey on his VCD player over and over again.

‘It's all there,' he claimed. ‘And the songs aren't all that bad either.'

Hamid was surrounded by a vocal group of fans at the press conference.

One Barkat Ali told the reporters: ‘What this happening? Attacking great man Zion, oh so brilliant genius zindabad, zindabad you kafir Western conspiracy US agent traitors fool, fool, fool!'

Another, Sharmeen Khan, a 25-year-old university student added: ‘What this nonsense of democracy because it only Hindu, American, Zionist, Papua New Guinnean plot to destroy beloved Pakistian zindabad, zindabad, zindabad!'

Kamran Ghani, a seven-month-old toddler also addressed the press conference. He said, ‘Goo goo gagagaga goo goo ... burp!'

The fans then lifted Hamid on their shoulders and carried him to a nearby McDonald's outlet where they all chanted slogans like ‘Amreeka ki ghulami namazoor' over a couple of Big Macs, large Cokes and a romantic song sung by Wali Azmat called, ‘I hate Jews Yea, Yea, Yea,' a song from Azmat's forthcoming album, ‘Zionists ate my Homework.'

The album is dedicated to all the Taliban who died in American drone attacks. When asked why didn't he also dedicate the album to all those who've died from Taliban's suicide attacks, Azmat said, that there were no suicide bomb attacks in Pakistan and that all those people we see slaughtered and dismembered on our TV screens actually died from dengue fever. When asked how he can prove this, he said that one should watch the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

‘It's all there,' he claimed. ‘And the chicks aren't all that bad either.'

Meanwhile in Lahore, Tehrik-e-Imran chief, Insaaf-e-Khan lauded Zion Hamid's efforts for decoding vital truths about Hindu conspiracies from Indian soap operas.

Talking to a group of rabid rightwing columnists at his residence, the great Khan said that Pakistan was in great danger from all kinds of plots being hatched by its enemies, especially Asif Zardari Bhutto Zardari Bhutto, Bilawal Zardari Bhutto Zardari, and the ghost of late Benazir Bhutto.

‘This government is sucking the blood of poor Pakistanis,' he told the rabid rightwing communists all of whom then started to sing the national anthem in unison.

‘This government has sold Pakistan's strategic and political interests to America!' Khan added, to which the rabid rightwing columnists started burning George Washington and Abraham Lincoln's effigies.

Praising the columnists' bravery, Khan promised them to meet again after he returned from New York where he will undergo a cheekbone operation.

The columnists informed him that they too will be in New York for sightseeing, except for one, who got up and started burning Henry Truman's effigy. He was the one who failed to secure an American visa.

Khan termed this to be racial discrimination and a CIA conspiracy.

Later in the day, the issue was discussed on a famous TV talk show on a local news channel.

Participating in the show were the incensed columnist, a rabid rightwing reporter, a PPP Minster, and a woman in a burqa.

‘This is an outrage!' said the reporter. ‘Blackwater is behind this,' he announced.

When asked how he knew, he picked up a Class One children's nursery rhymes book and claimed: ‘It's all here. And the rhymes aren't all that bad either.'

The PPP Minister, Rehman Malika Zardari Bhutto Zardari, promised that his government will look into the issue, to which the reporter landed a swift punch on Malika's face.

When Malika's bodyguards tried to stop the reporter, the talk show's host accused the government of curbing the freedom of the press.

‘This is an outrage!' he said. ‘I implore the Army to intervene, overthrow this incompetent government and impose martial law!'

Mr. Malika apologised and started to land punches on his own face saying that the government too believed in the freedom of the press.

This made the reporter very happy who asked Malika to raid book stores and confiscate all secular literature because solutions to Pakistan's problems lie in jihadi literature.

‘It's all there!' he claimed. ‘And the topics aren't all that bad either.'

Turning to the woman in a burqa, the show's host asked if she agreed.

‘The real problem lies in women wearing jeans,' she said.

The host asked her to elaborate, to which she said: ‘The real problem is in women wearing jeans.'

‘Yes, but can you please elaborate?' asked the host.

‘The real problem lies in women wearing jeans!' she said again.

‘Please elaborate,' the host insisted.

‘But that's all I was asked to say,' she said.

‘By whom?' inquired the host.

‘By you!' she said.

‘This is an outrage!' said Mr. Malika, and in response, the host punched him and proceeded to burn an American flag. He burned half of it and announced that the other half will be burnt later because he had to catch a flight.

‘To where?' asked Mr. Malika.

‘California,' said the host. ‘I have to attend my son's graduation ceremony.'

Teacher to Student: Kid, your essay on "My  Dog" is exactly the same as  your brother's. Did you copy from him?

Student: No, teacher, it's about the same dog!

An IDEA can change ur Life ...
But, a Girl Can change Ur IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!

LoLzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Pakistan's New Media Dictionary

Advertising:
A very important phenomenon in the Pakistani electronic media, where little, irritating films about fairness creams and mobile phone connections become the lifeline of big, irritating seths running really irritating TV channels. Also, the constant source of that wonderfully poignant line, ‘choti si break,' which, however, may last as long as a military dictatorship in Pakistan.

Asif Ali Zardari:
A custom-made punching bag with prominent teeth for talk show hosts to practice their jihadi judo chops and passionate, ‘anti-corruption' missionary positions on.

Aamir Liaquat:
Name of a special Pilgrimage Package offered by Peo Travels (Pvt.) Ltd. to specifically attract fitnahs to go for Haj and get God's approval of their meaningful hatred of sub-humans (such as Jews, Ahmadiyyas, Hindus, liberals and swine flu carriers). Also the name of a hyperbolic over-actor masquerading as a ‘religious scholar' on a TV drama masquerading as a ‘religious advice show' on a gossip channel masquerading as a ‘news channel.'

Aishwarya Rai:
Famous Indian tree-hugger (especially on mangals), who is also a favourite of rabid anti-Hindu Pakistanis who will let her go (along with her tree, but not her husband), when they conquer India during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind in 2012 AD and slaughter all the Hindus of the world with their nuclear-powered laser-swords and bad TV shows, such as Muhammad Bin Iqbal Saladin Qasim Ka Pakistan.

Aaj TV:
A TV channel you'd rather leave for kal (as in yesterday).

Aag TV:
The favourite music channel of freckled, teenaged fascists.

ARY News:
A TV channel set up by jewellers. Get the picture?

Bobby Master:
Some guy who serves tea at a famous Pakistani TV channel. Most probably the most intelligent fellow there.

Conspiracy Theory:
A theory that is not a theory at all but a hard fact on Pakistani TV channels. Anyone disagreeing with the hard and loud factoids (conspiratorially called conspiracy theorists), is a Mossad/CIA/RAW/NASA/KFC agent and a possible swine flu carrier who would be lined up against the walls of Delhi's Red Fort and shot dead during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind in 2012 AD.

Dr. Danish:
A dentist.

Duniya TV:
A channel on which Sohail Warraich tries to be funny, and Najam Sethi, serious.

Dawn.Com:
A place where tiny worthless dots gather at dawn to receive handouts from the many myriad enemies of Pakistan -  such as, Indians, Americans, Israelites and Tellytubbies - so that they can use cyberspace to spread their anti-Islam, anti-Pakistan, anti-Shan propaganda through anti-Islam, anti-Pakistan, anti-Tigar Balm writers, columnists, subeditors, reporters, accountants, tea boys and gymnasts. Just what this article is doing on this site, I have no idea. All I know is it's a conspiracy because Rana Naveedul Hassan said so.

DawnNews:
A groovy hang out where pleasant young men and women practice and sharpen their newly acquired American accents by toning their frequently mobile jaws. Here, cops become ‘caaps,' jobs become ‘jaabs,' Pakistan becomes ‘Pai-khis-tan,' and Karachi becomes LA.

Dr. Shahid Masood:
A TV hakeem famous for his tangy concoctions and cocktails made from the equally famous witch-doctor Harun Yahya's recipes of Vulcan stew, Martian soup, and other out-of-space (and out-of-mind) delicacies. If you look closely, you will notice that the good doctor also has a moustache, which many believe was gifted to him by Hamid Gul on his second birthday in 377 BC, during the first Ghazwa-ul-Hind.

Eeeeek!
A common female vocal response after watching Dr. Masood's moustache fall every time someone mentions ‘PTV' or something about him having a Canadian passport.
‘Me? No. (Plop!) Oops.'
‘Eeeek ...!'

Express News:
An express-ion connoting something half-baked, done in a hurry. Example: ‘All pace and no substance makes Jack an Express News.'

Geo TV:
A Mongolian TV brand that can be watched on horseback while triumphantly marching into Hindustan during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind, Holi,Dewali, and Filmfare Awards. Shows programs hosted by hard, loud factoids bred on prime Vulcan stew and Hilal ki Ding Dong Bubblegum.

Ghazwa-ul-Hind:
A forthcoming Lollywood science-fiction blockbuster directed by Zaid Hamid, produced by Dr. Shahid Masood, and staring Maria B., Ali Azmat, Hamid Gul, Irfan Siddiqui, and Yoda.

Hamid Mir:
A wrestler.

Hamid Gul:
The guy who gave Shahid Masood his moustache and the man Masood hasn't stopped thanking. ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show...' ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show...' ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show...' ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show...' Why can't his show just be called The Gul-Masood Show?

Indus News:
A news channels watched on the banks of the River Indus. By fish.

Iqbal Ka Pakistan:
The show that makes the great allama roll in his grave each week.

Imran Khan:
A man who still thinks the Taliban is a brand name for a series of chubby, cuddly teddy bears.

Kashif Abbasi:
A TV anchor whose eyes turned green after he's had a bit too much of Dr. Masood's Vulcan stew.

Kamran Khan:
A very dry man.

Maria B.
A fashion designer who is a fan of Zaid Hamid and thus keeps getting a ‘C' in politics. She should actually be called Maria C., or Maria Z. Or better, Maria GHB (Maria Ghuzwa-ul-Hind B).

Munawar Hussain:
A guy who believes the Taliban are bigger than Elvis.

Mushtaq Minhas:
A very strange man.

Nusrat Javed:
Another very strange man.

Nadeem F. Paracha:
An abomination brought to life by the Elders of Zion and the illuminati to misguide innocent young Pakistani patriots and mohib-e-watan-Ghazwa-ul-Hind warriors with the help of CIA money, NASA spacesuits, and KFC Zinger Burgers. Most probably has ancient Dravidian Hindu blood running in his veins and is certainly out to destroy the super-duper Muslim master-race.

Nadia Khan:
A woman who grew up watching too many Hasina Moin plays.

Nawaz Sharif:
The ‘N' in PML-N, some of whose starlets are still trying to put an ‘N' in the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) as well. Example: PTT-N. Likely to be disappointed.

PTV:
The channel only Rehman Malik and Bilawal Bhutto watch.

Qazi Hussain Ahmed:
A very old man.

Taliban:
Very hairy people who, in spite of being extremely obvious and ubiquitous, are still treated as ghosts by many TV hosts and their guests. They'd rather believe Elvis is alive than agree that it is the Taliban who are blowing themselves up in markets and mosques every now and then.
Example:
News Item: Taliban take responsibility for Pindi mosque blast.
Host: Who are these men?
News Item: Taliban take responsibility for Pindi mosque blast.
Host: Who can these terrorists be?
News Item: TALIBAN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR PINDI MOSQUE BLAST!!!
Host: Who can do such a thing? Is it the Indians? Israel? CIA? Elvis?

Zaid Hamid:
A fast-talking rap artiste who stole Ali Azmat's soul (and guitar), and turned Aag TV into the official Ghazwa-ul-Hind music channel. His biggest hits are ‘Let's march on Delhi, y'all!' ‘Hindus are insects, y'all,' ‘I love wars, y'all,' ‘M. B. Qasim is ma man, y'all,' ‘So is Maria B, y'all,' ‘Even though she's a woman, y'all.' Recently, Zaid also claimed that Ali Azmat's tind is a UFO landing site. Ali was thrilled.

Call Centre conversation         Call to technical support:


Caller:               Hi, our printer is not working.

Customer Service:   What is wrong with it?

Caller:                Mouse is jammed.

Customer Service:   Mouse? And how it is related to printer?

Caller:               Mmmm.. Wait, I will send a picture.


 

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Men and women on earth die and go to heaven.

God comes and says: -

"I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who had control over their women, and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk."

Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines.

The line for the men who were controlled by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who had control over their women there is only one man.

God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"

"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate.  
 
Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case   study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.

A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you m ay want to take a vacation. 

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No Need to Reply, I'll be on Vacation .